Jaded Jenny

Modern dating has become a crazier maze of short interludes than ever before. With technology creating faster ways of interacting and various social outlets, in 29 years I have met a slew of people. My friends are the best I could ask for but it is not without meeting a lot unpleasant people as well. Dating is the same process but can be even more difficult because from dating, a relationship may be born...a relationship that has both a mental and physical aspect to it. Finding a great partner can be a tumultuous and heartbreaking ride.

Came across a brief article entitled “Retired From Dating.” At 26-years-old, Nicole Brown was throwing in the towel. She had spent so much time dating and felt that she has gone no where in her quest to find someone that she is compatible with. Exclaiming, “I leave it to fate to unite me and my kindred soulmate...and if it doesn’t, well, then, Fate, you can suck it.” Understanding her plight, I reflect on my own ridiculous experiences. I can laugh looking back at them now, but especially at the time, they were disheartening.

Unlike Nicole, I cannot claim that I had a date pee in his pants, but I can claim one threw-up on only our second date at which time we were at the movies. Little did I know before we got to the movies, exactly how many alcoholic beverages he consumed earlier in the evening. Ah, yes, love! There it is in all its glory. It might be safe to say that was not a “keeper” for me but he might be for someone else in the future.

Finding compatibility is more than answering a few questions on E-Harmony. Even when two people have all the same outlooks and goals, they still might be missing that ‘spark’ and likewise, there could be more of a connection between two people than meets the eye. But this is under the assumption that the feelings are mutual.

Getting past “What is your favorite color?” and developing a relationship can prove to be the most frustrating task of all. A relationship might be moving too fast for one and too slow for the other. The timing might be wrong - one just got a promotion at their job while the other is looking to relocate. Or to quote the revelation made in an episode of Sex In The City, “Maybe he is just not that into you?”

Whatever the scenario, it is important to keep in mind a few important points.

1. Never loss site of yourself and your goals. It is true that a relationship can open your eyes to a different life than you originally planned. Compromise is almost always necessary and in particular, marriage is a full-time job. With that in mind, it also needs to be a two-way street. If you always find yourself giving up activities and wants that make you happy to appease the other, you will resent them...and resent yourself.
2. Always be sure to make yourself happy. While this does not entail at the expense of making another miserable, I have found that you can never make someone else happy or enjoy someone else’s will to make you happy, unless you have found the comfort in yourself, first. Only you can stop yourself from taking the Prozac.
3. Never go into a relationship with the notion that you will change those things that annoy you about the other person. We all have our faults but you must realize that people very rarely change. Many times if they do, it may be for the worse. So if your significant other has a trait that sends you steaming, ask yourself if it is something you can live with. Because if you stay with that person, you will have to do exactly that.
4. The Little Things! Roses, diamonds, various gifts...these are nice but sometimes it is the simply text messages saying they are thinking about you or calling you just to say “hello”, because speaking with you makes them happy. Holding hands or taking a late night bike ride. Maybe it is because I have never been one for material things, but these are the ‘gifts’ that bring a smile to my face.
5. While opposites may attract, it is the belief in one another that bonds. Life can change in an instant and your belief in someone to stick by them and the knowledge that they would do the same for you in the face of adversity, is key. When the going gets tough, the tough should not be walking out the door. Discovery Channel had a show about a man in his forties that was struck quickly with a flesh-eating bacteria which took his entire face. No eyes..a small opening left for his nostrils and mouth. He looked hideous! His wife of twenty-years’, stuck by him every step of the way. Finding it hard to take care of himself, she did everything she could and with tears in her eyes, cried out that she loved him as much today and she ever did. This man had no face! People bolt at the slightest hangnail, and this woman would not budge from her husband’s side. That my friends, is love!

But even with all the love in your heart and the best intentions, the relationship still may not work out. Whatever the reason and however much it hurts, you must brush yourself off and keep going. Take the experience as that. Myself, I have enough “chalked up to experience” but that hasn’t jaded me enough to retire from dating. It is just made me more aware of my wants and desires and traits I find important in myself...and in others.

Dating Faux Pas Part Duex

11. Do Not Invite Your Friends On The Date To “APPROVE” Of The Date. If you cannot decide for yourself if you like someone then you have deeper issues than finding a date. This also means you do not have any character judgment so inviting a friend, who shouldn’t be a friend then since you do not have the ability to judge someone yourself, is not going to help.

12. Lecturing and Giving Advice! It is great to have viewpoints and opinions, but sometimes people need to learn when keep those points to themselves. For example, criticizing what they order or telling them their diet habits are “awful”, is not the way to ‘win friends and influence people’. In fact, it is the quickest way to end a date. People need to understand that different viewpoints and opinions are what make people unique.

13. Ladies and Gentlemen...May I Have Your Attention! On a date, women should act like ladies and men should act like gentlemen. Sounds easy enough, right?

1. Gentlemen-Open doors! Chivalry is not dead unless by some chance you are dating Susan B. Anthony.
   
   
2. Ladies-Do not take longer than 5 minutes in the bathroom. Save the text message critiques to your friends for after the date. Even then, make up your own mind about how the date went and what YOU thought.
   
   
3. Gentlemen-Do not order for the Lady. Women do have brains and should be able to decide for themselves what they want to eat. Likewise…
   
   
4. Ladies-do not order through your date. You do not need to look to him for approval as to what you are ordering.
   
   
5. Don’t bash the opposite sex. If you are on a date with someone OF the opposite sex…there might be a slight conflict of interest if you exclaim comments like, “all men are assholes.” Just a guess though.
   
   
6. Don’t feed each other unless you want the people around you to throw up. Pass the plate, pass the fork but this is not the time for a scene from 9 ½ Weeks.
   
   
7. Don’t have a drinking contest (Yes, I need to take heed to this one!) Exclaiming to your date that you can ‘out-drink’ them is not a sure-fire way to a second date.

14. First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...NO! First comes the first date and don’t blow it by talking about wanting to get married and/or having kids. Maybe not even by the fifth date! Look, getting married and having kids can be a goal but it is not a way to start off a relationship. Why you ask? Because at the get-go people are just getting to know each other. The love and trust that needs to (or at least should) be present when you are considering marriage, you will not find on the first date. You are not the Montague’s and Capulet’s.

15. The X Factor. You’d be surprised how many people start talking about their past relationships right away. Maybe at some point during a long term relationship, two people can briefly discuss their past relationships, as this does help someone to learn about a person and what they have gone through. But leave out all the intimate details! If you explain how Dick cheated on Jane with Jane’s best friend when she was at work trying to support his ‘broke ass’ and then he ran up a $10,000 credit card bill gambling, drinking and going to strip clubs and now Jane’s best friend is pregnant with Dick’s baby…obviously you are still unresolved about the relationship. Relationships, any kind, are still experiences and you should learn from them. The focus should not be on who did what to whom but about what you learned and took away from the experience to try to make yourself a better person and spouse.

16. Be on time!!! Ladies, I know this mostly pertains to you but please do not leave your date waiting more than 5 minutes for you. No, he does not enjoy having your cats crawl over him while he sits uncomfortably on your couch with your parents/roommates/etc. giving him the Spanish Inquisition.

17. Common Places-do not go to a place you are a regular at. Most likely you will run into someone you know and many people then become distracted from their date. Also, do not sit at the bar on a date. Watching the television at a pub ‘n grub is not the environment for getting to know someone.

18. No Flirting With Someone Else! Bar and wait staff are the most accessible but no, they do not want your number. And if they do flirt back, they probably just want a bigger tip.

19. Don’t Talk About Yourself The Whole Date. “I…I…I…” Your date might start to think that is the only vowel you know in the English language. Having a conversation, whether on a date or not, is an exchange of ideas and experiences. Share with one another!

20. Don’t Ask Stupid Questions… “What do you find attractive about me?”… “Do my boobs look even?” Yes, people actually ask these questions. For what reason, I assume to bring attention to a particular feature or for a self-esteem boost. For more examples, see The Ten Date-Killing Questions.

The Ten Date-Killing Questions!
1. How many people have you slept with? As much as you might want to know…don’t ask.
2. Where was the most interesting place you had sex? Again, as much as you might want to know…don’t ask!
3. Do I have something in my teeth? Just go to the bathroom and look for yourself. And if you say this as a ploy to get someone up close to your mouth, than that is just, well, pathetic!
4. Have you ever cheated on someone? “Yes, in fact I am cheating right now by dating you.”
5. Where do you see yourself in five years? This is a question for a job interview…not a date.
6. Are you a member of the mile-high club? And if you live in Denver, you already know the answer to this.
7. What was your last girlfriend/boyfriend like and/or have you ever been in love? These are not questions to ask until much later in the relationship. Bringing up past relationships early on is a “no-no”.
8. What is the craziest thing you have ever done? Don’t ask a question you might not want to know the answer to!
9. What’s your bra size? Real or Fake? This one is pretty self explanatory as to why it is inappropriate. Worse off, if you actually respond to the question…
10. Have you ever thought the Taliban was correct in their actions against the U.S? Avoid riot-inciting questions and commentary.

Bonus question and my personal favorite: Did you vote for Bush?
…the second time?

In an effort to be more “positive”, here is a list of Do’s!!!

1. Do ask questions and be generally interested in their answers.
2. Do have a plan! Decide what you both would like to do ahead of time this way you and your date are not asking each other what you want to do all night. Look to establish at least 3 points of the date ahead of time and don’t let the last one be “your place or mine?”
3. Do wear underwear…I know, I know…I am being cheeky.
4. Intros are essential! If you do end up bumping into someone you know, be sure to introduce your date right away. You want to make the person you are with feel comfortable and appreciated.

So I can only think of 4 Do’s for now…give me time, I might come around with a few more eventually. Now get out there and have some fun!!!

Written In Collaboration With Timothy Price

“Love is stronger than any other emotion. When you do have that feeling, it should be cherished and protected with trust, respect and honesty.” Mike Kales Jr.

Trading Down: “Made In China”

Our most popular export is our nearly 3 million manufacturing jobs lost since mid-2000, as U.S. companies have moved production overseas to lower-waged nations. Yet the Bush administration is still not heeding the advice from economists warning that the United States cannot sustain its current $800 billion annual trade deficit, which has led to trillions in dollar-denominated reserves being held by China and other Asian countries, and by Saudi Arabia and the other major oil producers. Such large reserves give these countries that possess them undue leverage over the United States, which could lead to a sell-off of dollars that would send the value of the currency skidding. This in turn might force the U.S. to raise interest rates, choking off future economic recovery.

The U.S reported trade deficit with China alone for 2006 is a mind-blowing $232.5 BILLION dollars. Recently closing 180 food plants due to inspectors uncovering more than 23,000 food safety violations, the country’s exports of contaminated vegetable protein earlier this year triggered one of the largest pet food recalls in American history. Industrial chemicals including dyes, mineral oil, paraffin wax and formaldehyde have been found in everything from candy, pickles and biscuits to seafood. One suspected cause is a lack of cold storage and logistics systems but these chemical additions into their products were not by accident.

Cutting corners in manufacturing is not strictly a food industry predicament for China. Four hundred and fifty thousand radial tires are being recalled due to the tires missing a necessary gum strip that prevents tire separation. To add insult to injury, the company importing the tires, Foreign Tire Sales, had originally sought the U.S. federal government’s help with the recall, saying it did not have enough money to recall all the tires itself. This New Jersey company wanted to import inexpensive tires to save a few ‘pennies’ but then wanted the taxpayers to pay for what is readily their product and their responsibility.

In more uplifting new, bargain toothpaste now contains diethylene glycol, a known poison commonly used in antifreeze. It has been profitable to substitute this chemical for its cousin, glycerin, which is usually more expensive. Glycerin is used as a thickening agent in toothpaste and is also commonly found in food, drugs and household products.

But not everyone is China is profiting from these the high export rate. There is a widening income gap and threats of social unrest. “Under China’s “iron rice bowl” system of the 1950’s and 60’s, all workers were protected by the government or by state-owned companies, which often supplied housing and local health coverage. But by the 1980’s, when the Maoist model had given way to economic restructuring and the beginning of an emphasis on market forces, China began eliminating many of those protections-giving rise to mass layoffs, unemployment, huge gaps in income and pervasive labor abuse.” *

With much of the international spotlight now focusing on these issues, where the Chinese government is not lacking is in the severity and punishment of corrupt executives. Unlike the U.S’ mockery of a judicial system in handling Enron, Tyco, etc., the Supreme People’s Court approved the death sentence against Zheng Xiaoyu, who was convicted of taking bribes worth some 6.5 million yuan ($850,000) from eight companies. He was executed earlier this month. “Zheng Xiaoyu’s grave irresponsibility in pharmaceutical safety inspection and failure to conscientiously carry out his duties seriously damaged the interests of the state and people,” reported Xinhua news agency citing the high court.

Investigators found Zheng and his subordinates abused new rules in renewing drug production licenses to squeeze kickbacks from companies. “We must ensure that those who have power fulfill their duties and responsibilities, and if anyone abuses their power they will be punished,” proclaimed Yan Jiangying, spokeswoman for the State Food and Drug Administration. Perfectly stated…should not those leaders allowing the U.S. economy to be held hostage to foreign nations be held responsible?

Sources:
* “China Drafts Law to Boost Unions and End Labor Abuse”, New York Times, 10/13/2006
“China’s Trade Surplus Surges 73 Percent”, New York Times, 6/11/2007
“Trade Deficit Soars To Record”, Associated Press-The News Journal, 2/11/2006
“In Food Safety Crackdown, China Closes 180 Plants”, New York Times, 6/27/2007
“Chinese Tires Are Ordered Recalled,” New York Times, 6/26/2007
“U.S Trade Deficit Is Called a Threat to Global Growth”, New York Times, 9/5/2006
“Toxic Toothpaste Made in China Is Found in U.S.”, New York Times, 6/2/2007
“China Executes Ex-Drug Chief for Graft”, http://www.cnn.com/world, 7/11/2007

What Are We Doing To Each Other?

An injured Lebanese boy seeks comfort from his mother in the picture on my wall above my computer. He leans over his mother; both of them covered in blood. Her hands reaching up trying to comfort the boy’s cries. An Israeli rocket hit their van as they fled through the coastal city of Tyre in southern Lebanon.

As a currently childless woman, I can not help but fear ever being in position of fright and helplessness at the actions of other people and their effect on my future children. Should I dare ever bring another human being into this hurtful world?

-A 3-year-old boy died in Chinese hospital after ingesting pesticides and was denied medical care until his grandfather could pay for the treatment. The boy died after the grandfather left to raise money.

-Mukhtar Mai, 4 years ago, was gang-raped by four men in her village in Pakistan to punish her brother for an offense they believed he committed. Her honor destroyed, she was expected by her community and even her own family to kill herself in shame.

-Formerly ChevronTexaco dumped more than 18 billion gallons of toxic waste into the soil and water of a previously pristine section of the Amazon rain forest. Too poor to move, parents have watched their children play and their livestock feed in areas contaminated with these hazard wastes. Rene Arevalo who lived near a separation plant that was once operated by a Texaco subsidiary and lives with his five children drink contaminated water… “What else can we do?”

-Ayaan Hirsi Ali had her genitals cut out when she was 5-years-old. Her clitoris and labia were carved out and the whole area was sewn up so that a thick band of tissue forms a chastity belt made of her own scarred-flesh. “What were we being kept pure from? Somebody owned us. What was between our legs was not mine to give. I was branded.” (Infidel, Ayaan Hirsi Ali)

-Kazakhstan, Sept 2006, a government official confirmed that 55 children had contracted the H.I.V. virus through contaminated blood or used needles at a hospital.

-On an icy February morning 19 years ago on a Bronx street, Alison Dolan was left in a Bud Light box in a filthy alley. The plight of babies who are abandoned in the U.S.-left in dumpsters or gas station bathrooms or vacant lots.

-171 million children throughout the world work in hazardous conditions or with dangerous machinery.

-In less than a decade, an estimated four million people have died in the Congo, mostly of hunger and disease caused by fighting. It has been the deadliest conflict since World War II, with more than 1,000 people still dying each day. (“In Congo, Hunger and Disease Erode Democracy”, New York Times, 6/30/2006)

-88,345 homeless people live in Los Angeles and the surrounding communities. Close your eyes, and they disappear. Better yet, tell them to get a job!

-Rebecca Riley, 4-years-old dies of a drug overdose after being prescribed medication for ADHD and bipolar disorder since age 2 ½. She was 2 ½…yes, it is called ‘terrible twos’ for a reason. Nothing new but hey, pharmaceutical companies can make money and doctors kickbacks from such diagnosis’s.

-After bouts of hypertension and diabetes, Mary Rose Derks, a 65-year-old widow, scrimped money out of her grocery fund for an insurance policy that promised to pay eventually for a room in an assistant living home. After paying for the insurance, now 81, has yet to receive a penny from the Conseco Insurance while her family has paid around $70,000 in care.

All blips in the morning newspaper…if you even get one that covers such events. Wash down that bagel with your Starbucks, put your head back in the game and remember, who makes the most money wins!

Where has our compassion for one another gone?

Sovereign Anatomy

Who makes decisions about your body? New laws give physicians and hospitals the right to deny the best care…even in emergencies. A recent poll conducted by Self.com resulted in nearly 1 in 20 respondents noting an incident in which their doctor had refused to treat them for moral, ethical, or religious reasons.

“Doctors swear an oath to serve their patients. But instead, they are allowing their religious beliefs to compromise patient care,” says Jamie D. Brooks, a former staff attorney for the National Health Law Program. At the forefront of this controversy is woman’s health care.

Lori Boyer was trembling after being sexually assaulted by an acquaintance. Bruised and shaken, she drove straight to Good Samaritan Hospital in Lebanon, Pennsylvania. After speaking to a rape counselor, she met with Martin Gish, M.D. for a pelvic exam and inquired to the doctor about the morning-after pill, which the counselor had mentioned earlier. She was mid-cycle, putting her in danger of getting pregnant. “No,” replied Dr. Gish. “It’s against my religion.” Emergency contraception is most effective within ideally 72 hours. She now had to look for another doctor who was willing to put religious beliefs aside in order to prevent a forced pregnancy. “I was so vulnerable,” laments Lori. “I felt victimized all over again. First the rape and then the doctor making me feel powerless.” Luckily Boyer was able to find a physician in enough time to prescribe her EC.

“What person who has been raped would really welcome a pregnancy from that?” asks James Trussell, Ph.D., director of the Office of Population Research at Princeton University. “Even if you oppose abortion, what could be better than preventing the pregnancy in the first place?”

In the absence of any local laws, it is up to individual hospitals to decide whether a rape victim will be given – or even told about – emergency contraception. (Glamour, May 2006) In The New England Journal of Medicine survey, 8 percent of physicians said they felt no obligation to present all options to their patients. Eight percent might not seem to be a high percentage but imagine you being one of the numerous patients to a doctor that falls in that 8%. “Especially in a crisis situation, like a rape, you often don’t think to question your care. But unfortunately, now we can’t even trust doctors to tell us what we need to know,” Jill Morrison, senior counsel for health and reproductive rights at the National Women’s Law Center points out.

There have been highly publicized articles and discussions about pharmacists who have refused to dispense birth control and emergency contraception. But more and more incidents like Lori Boyer’s are being noticed.

Cheryl Bray, a single 41-year-old, had decided to adopt a baby from Mexico. Where woman are dying because they are poor and having unsafe abortions since it is illegal. Those that do go through with a pregnancy often cannot afford to raise the child and put he/she up for adoption. Being a well-respected realtor in California, Cheryl decided to open her home and her heart to one of these children. She had already gone through a long and arduous application process along with various inspections, background checks, etc. One of the last requirements was to undergo a routine physical. “So, your husband is in agreement with your decision to adopt?” inquires Fred Salley, M.D. “I’m not married,” Bray told him. “You’re not?” He calmly put down his pen Bray recalls. “Then I’m not comfortable continuing this exam.” He later stated that his “decision to refer Ms. Bray was not because she was unmarried; rather, it was based on my moral belief that a child should have two parental units. Such religious beliefs are a fundamental right guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States.”

So by Dr. Salley’s statement and belief that a child should have two parental units, then widows should never be allowed to raise their own children unless they immediately get remarried. Interesting! As for the second part of his statement about religious rights, Bray has a right to her beliefs just as much as Salley. “Apparently it is ok to discriminate against somebody, as long as it’s for religious reasons,” Bray surmises.

Besides the doctor’s beliefs to content with, nearly one in five hospital beds is in a religiously owned institution, according to the nonprofit group MergerWatch. Often times, mergers take place at hospitals. As a result, the name of the hospital might not change but its philosophy does. Every Catholic hospital is bound by the ethical directives of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, which forbid abortion and sterilization (unless they are lifesaving), in vitro fertilization, surrogate motherhood, some prenatal genetic testing, all artificial forms of birth control and the use of condoms for HIV prevention. (“Is Your Doctor Playing Judge?” Self, June 2007)

At just 14 weeks pregnant, Kathleen Hutchins had her water break. Because there wasn’t enough amniotic fluid left and it was too early for the fetus to survive, the pregnancy was hopeless. Hutchins would miscarry in a matter of weeks but in the meanwhile, she stood at risk for serious infection, which could lead to infertility or death. Hutchins chose to go to local Elliot Hospital but Elliot had recently merged with nearby Catholic Medical Center – and as a result, the hospital forbade abortions. “I was told I could not admit her unless there was a risk to her life,” Dr. Goldner remembers. “They said, ‘Why don’t you wait until she has an infection, or she gets a fever?’ They were asking me to do something other than the standard of care. They wanted me to put her health in jeopardy.” (Self, June 2007)

South Dakota Governor Michael Rounds, signed into law the nation’s most sweeping state abortion ban in March 2006. The law makes it a felony to perform any abortion except in a case of a pregnant woman’s life being in jeopardy. (“South Dakota Bans Abortion, Setting Up A Battle”, The New York Times, 3/7/2006) But who decides when a woman’s life is in jeopardy? For Kathleen Hutchins, it was the local hospital. Isn’t it her body? Shouldn’t she ultimately make that decision? Not when doctors and hospitals are given the right to refuse care. They are making your decisions.

Since 2005, 27 states introduced bills to widen refusal clauses. Four states are considering granting carte blanche refusal rights – much like the law adopted by Mississippi in 2004, which allows any health care provider to refuse practically anything on moral grounds. (Self, June 2007) “It’s written so broadly, there’s virtually no protection for patients,” says Adam Sonfield, senior public policy associate for the Guttmacher Institute, a reproductive-health research group.

The relationship between patient and his/her doctor should be ‘sacrosanct’, and the moral condemnation of a doctor’s faith on a patient has caused patients to retreat from seeing and vocalizing their health in fear of being judged. As upsetting and discouraging as these changes might be, we must always be in control of our own body and health.

In 2002, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, a hereditary autoimmune disease. After years of arguing with doctor’s that I knew something was not right, it was a gastroenterologist that finally looked into it. Blood tests confirmed my assumptions and he referred me to an endocrinologist for further medical attention.

After being under the endocrinologist’s care for a year and taking the prescribed Levoxyl, I still did not feel any better. Being concerned about my health care, I read articles and studies on various medications and treatments. When I confronted my doctor, he responded “You shouldn’t read so much!” Needless to say, that was my last visit with him. I found a new endocrinologist who listened to my concerns and wound up changing the brand of medication. Although the main difference is just the fillers in the medication, sometimes it is even something that small that can make a difference. Luckily I had enough gumption to not accept substandard care but many people do not.

Doctor’s seem to forget that EVERYONE is different. We can all have a different reaction to the same treatment and as a doctor, you should always look to finding what is best for your patient.