Jaded Jenny

Modern dating has become a crazier maze of short interludes than ever before. With technology creating faster ways of interacting and various social outlets, in 29 years I have met a slew of people. My friends are the best I could ask for but it is not without meeting a lot unpleasant people as well. Dating is the same process but can be even more difficult because from dating, a relationship may be born...a relationship that has both a mental and physical aspect to it. Finding a great partner can be a tumultuous and heartbreaking ride.

Came across a brief article entitled “Retired From Dating.” At 26-years-old, Nicole Brown was throwing in the towel. She had spent so much time dating and felt that she has gone no where in her quest to find someone that she is compatible with. Exclaiming, “I leave it to fate to unite me and my kindred soulmate...and if it doesn’t, well, then, Fate, you can suck it.” Understanding her plight, I reflect on my own ridiculous experiences. I can laugh looking back at them now, but especially at the time, they were disheartening.

Unlike Nicole, I cannot claim that I had a date pee in his pants, but I can claim one threw-up on only our second date at which time we were at the movies. Little did I know before we got to the movies, exactly how many alcoholic beverages he consumed earlier in the evening. Ah, yes, love! There it is in all its glory. It might be safe to say that was not a “keeper” for me but he might be for someone else in the future.

Finding compatibility is more than answering a few questions on E-Harmony. Even when two people have all the same outlooks and goals, they still might be missing that ‘spark’ and likewise, there could be more of a connection between two people than meets the eye. But this is under the assumption that the feelings are mutual.

Getting past “What is your favorite color?” and developing a relationship can prove to be the most frustrating task of all. A relationship might be moving too fast for one and too slow for the other. The timing might be wrong - one just got a promotion at their job while the other is looking to relocate. Or to quote the revelation made in an episode of Sex In The City, “Maybe he is just not that into you?”

Whatever the scenario, it is important to keep in mind a few important points.

1. Never loss site of yourself and your goals. It is true that a relationship can open your eyes to a different life than you originally planned. Compromise is almost always necessary and in particular, marriage is a full-time job. With that in mind, it also needs to be a two-way street. If you always find yourself giving up activities and wants that make you happy to appease the other, you will resent them...and resent yourself.
2. Always be sure to make yourself happy. While this does not entail at the expense of making another miserable, I have found that you can never make someone else happy or enjoy someone else’s will to make you happy, unless you have found the comfort in yourself, first. Only you can stop yourself from taking the Prozac.
3. Never go into a relationship with the notion that you will change those things that annoy you about the other person. We all have our faults but you must realize that people very rarely change. Many times if they do, it may be for the worse. So if your significant other has a trait that sends you steaming, ask yourself if it is something you can live with. Because if you stay with that person, you will have to do exactly that.
4. The Little Things! Roses, diamonds, various gifts...these are nice but sometimes it is the simply text messages saying they are thinking about you or calling you just to say “hello”, because speaking with you makes them happy. Holding hands or taking a late night bike ride. Maybe it is because I have never been one for material things, but these are the ‘gifts’ that bring a smile to my face.
5. While opposites may attract, it is the belief in one another that bonds. Life can change in an instant and your belief in someone to stick by them and the knowledge that they would do the same for you in the face of adversity, is key. When the going gets tough, the tough should not be walking out the door. Discovery Channel had a show about a man in his forties that was struck quickly with a flesh-eating bacteria which took his entire face. No eyes..a small opening left for his nostrils and mouth. He looked hideous! His wife of twenty-years’, stuck by him every step of the way. Finding it hard to take care of himself, she did everything she could and with tears in her eyes, cried out that she loved him as much today and she ever did. This man had no face! People bolt at the slightest hangnail, and this woman would not budge from her husband’s side. That my friends, is love!

But even with all the love in your heart and the best intentions, the relationship still may not work out. Whatever the reason and however much it hurts, you must brush yourself off and keep going. Take the experience as that. Myself, I have enough “chalked up to experience” but that hasn’t jaded me enough to retire from dating. It is just made me more aware of my wants and desires and traits I find important in myself...and in others.

Dating Faux Pas Part Duex

11. Do Not Invite Your Friends On The Date To “APPROVE” Of The Date. If you cannot decide for yourself if you like someone then you have deeper issues than finding a date. This also means you do not have any character judgment so inviting a friend, who shouldn’t be a friend then since you do not have the ability to judge someone yourself, is not going to help.

12. Lecturing and Giving Advice! It is great to have viewpoints and opinions, but sometimes people need to learn when keep those points to themselves. For example, criticizing what they order or telling them their diet habits are “awful”, is not the way to ‘win friends and influence people’. In fact, it is the quickest way to end a date. People need to understand that different viewpoints and opinions are what make people unique.

13. Ladies and Gentlemen...May I Have Your Attention! On a date, women should act like ladies and men should act like gentlemen. Sounds easy enough, right?

1. Gentlemen-Open doors! Chivalry is not dead unless by some chance you are dating Susan B. Anthony.
   
   
2. Ladies-Do not take longer than 5 minutes in the bathroom. Save the text message critiques to your friends for after the date. Even then, make up your own mind about how the date went and what YOU thought.
   
   
3. Gentlemen-Do not order for the Lady. Women do have brains and should be able to decide for themselves what they want to eat. Likewise…
   
   
4. Ladies-do not order through your date. You do not need to look to him for approval as to what you are ordering.
   
   
5. Don’t bash the opposite sex. If you are on a date with someone OF the opposite sex…there might be a slight conflict of interest if you exclaim comments like, “all men are assholes.” Just a guess though.
   
   
6. Don’t feed each other unless you want the people around you to throw up. Pass the plate, pass the fork but this is not the time for a scene from 9 ½ Weeks.
   
   
7. Don’t have a drinking contest (Yes, I need to take heed to this one!) Exclaiming to your date that you can ‘out-drink’ them is not a sure-fire way to a second date.

14. First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...NO! First comes the first date and don’t blow it by talking about wanting to get married and/or having kids. Maybe not even by the fifth date! Look, getting married and having kids can be a goal but it is not a way to start off a relationship. Why you ask? Because at the get-go people are just getting to know each other. The love and trust that needs to (or at least should) be present when you are considering marriage, you will not find on the first date. You are not the Montague’s and Capulet’s.

15. The X Factor. You’d be surprised how many people start talking about their past relationships right away. Maybe at some point during a long term relationship, two people can briefly discuss their past relationships, as this does help someone to learn about a person and what they have gone through. But leave out all the intimate details! If you explain how Dick cheated on Jane with Jane’s best friend when she was at work trying to support his ‘broke ass’ and then he ran up a $10,000 credit card bill gambling, drinking and going to strip clubs and now Jane’s best friend is pregnant with Dick’s baby…obviously you are still unresolved about the relationship. Relationships, any kind, are still experiences and you should learn from them. The focus should not be on who did what to whom but about what you learned and took away from the experience to try to make yourself a better person and spouse.

16. Be on time!!! Ladies, I know this mostly pertains to you but please do not leave your date waiting more than 5 minutes for you. No, he does not enjoy having your cats crawl over him while he sits uncomfortably on your couch with your parents/roommates/etc. giving him the Spanish Inquisition.

17. Common Places-do not go to a place you are a regular at. Most likely you will run into someone you know and many people then become distracted from their date. Also, do not sit at the bar on a date. Watching the television at a pub ‘n grub is not the environment for getting to know someone.

18. No Flirting With Someone Else! Bar and wait staff are the most accessible but no, they do not want your number. And if they do flirt back, they probably just want a bigger tip.

19. Don’t Talk About Yourself The Whole Date. “I…I…I…” Your date might start to think that is the only vowel you know in the English language. Having a conversation, whether on a date or not, is an exchange of ideas and experiences. Share with one another!

20. Don’t Ask Stupid Questions… “What do you find attractive about me?”… “Do my boobs look even?” Yes, people actually ask these questions. For what reason, I assume to bring attention to a particular feature or for a self-esteem boost. For more examples, see The Ten Date-Killing Questions.

The Ten Date-Killing Questions!
1. How many people have you slept with? As much as you might want to know…don’t ask.
2. Where was the most interesting place you had sex? Again, as much as you might want to know…don’t ask!
3. Do I have something in my teeth? Just go to the bathroom and look for yourself. And if you say this as a ploy to get someone up close to your mouth, than that is just, well, pathetic!
4. Have you ever cheated on someone? “Yes, in fact I am cheating right now by dating you.”
5. Where do you see yourself in five years? This is a question for a job interview…not a date.
6. Are you a member of the mile-high club? And if you live in Denver, you already know the answer to this.
7. What was your last girlfriend/boyfriend like and/or have you ever been in love? These are not questions to ask until much later in the relationship. Bringing up past relationships early on is a “no-no”.
8. What is the craziest thing you have ever done? Don’t ask a question you might not want to know the answer to!
9. What’s your bra size? Real or Fake? This one is pretty self explanatory as to why it is inappropriate. Worse off, if you actually respond to the question…
10. Have you ever thought the Taliban was correct in their actions against the U.S? Avoid riot-inciting questions and commentary.

Bonus question and my personal favorite: Did you vote for Bush?
…the second time?

In an effort to be more “positive”, here is a list of Do’s!!!

1. Do ask questions and be generally interested in their answers.
2. Do have a plan! Decide what you both would like to do ahead of time this way you and your date are not asking each other what you want to do all night. Look to establish at least 3 points of the date ahead of time and don’t let the last one be “your place or mine?”
3. Do wear underwear…I know, I know…I am being cheeky.
4. Intros are essential! If you do end up bumping into someone you know, be sure to introduce your date right away. You want to make the person you are with feel comfortable and appreciated.

So I can only think of 4 Do’s for now…give me time, I might come around with a few more eventually. Now get out there and have some fun!!!

Written In Collaboration With Timothy Price

“Love is stronger than any other emotion. When you do have that feeling, it should be cherished and protected with trust, respect and honesty.” Mike Kales Jr.

Dating Faux Pas

Today’s Rant is a bit of a departure from its usual topics. Hopefully this list is helpful. Feel free to add comments and additional points.

1. DO NOT DATE AT WORK! Resist the urge. I don’t care how “hot” someone is…don’t do it. It causes awkwardness if it does not work out. Unless you are 99.9% sure you will marry this person, it will most likely end, and as every should know, there is almost never a “clean” break where both people are “friends”. The reason friendship is not possible after a relationship is because there were deeper feelings in the first place, which means they do not magically disappear…and for both parties no less. And if you run with the same group of friends, then it causes tension…”Who’s side do I take?”…“If we want to go to happy hour, which one should we invite?”…Etc. Lastly, if you work in the same department, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT date that person. You have to work with this person. And if it ends ‘bad’, how will you continue to work with them? If you really want to date someone in your department, then either switch departments or find a new job!
2. MARRIED WITH CHILDREN…or any variation thereof! Getting involved, knowingly, with a married individual is not a wise choice. Even IF they claim to be “separated”, I wouldn’t take their word for it unless you have been attending the divorce proceedings. If they are not separating, and having an affair with you, then hopefully you are smart enough to realize it will not last. And if they do leave their spouse for you, then expect to have them cheat on YOU! Once a cheater, always a cheater!
Ah, the bundles of bliss that are children! Getting involved with someone who has children is very risky and frustrating. There may be resentment shown from the children…that you are trying to take their biological mother or father’s place. Plus, kids are work. Relationships are hard enough…throw kids on top of that…and unless you are a saint, prepare to be aggravated.
3. DO NOT LOAN SOMEONE MONEY! This is wrong on so many levels. First, if this is someone you have known a short while (i.e. less than 6 months) it is inappropriate for him or her to be asking you for a "loan". Assuming they are older than 18 years old, they have had at least that span of time to make longer-lasting friendships than yours, and can ask them. Second, if someone needs money, it shows they are most likely irresponsible with money and that is NOT someone you want to be involved with. There are various ways to get cash in a pinch and this person should be looking into those avenues…ever hear of a cash advance on a credit card?! So unless it is some extreme reason that you can VALIDATE, the person is probably bull-shitting you and know that if you “loan” them the money, expect to never see it again. Instead, expect that they will try to “hit-you-up” for money again!
4. TURN OFF THAT PHONE! If you are on a date, turn off your phone…or turn to vibrate and then check to see who called, check messages, etc. when you take a bathroom break. Unless you are waiting to hear the results of Grandma’s live-saving surgery, DO NOT PICK UP THAT PHONE. You are on a date, and want your partner to know that he or she has captured your attention.
5. ALWAYS LOOK SOMEONE IN THE EYES! This doesn’t mean stare the person down…which will have the opposite effect. Just be sure to look them in the eyes from time to time during the conversation. Again, this is to let the person know you are listening to them and when you are speaking, that you have their attention.
6. DON’T LIE/OVEREMBELLISH! It will only come back to haunt you. Unless you plan on this being the one and only date and will probably not converse with this person ever again for as long as you both shall live…don’t lie. First of all, do you really want a relationship to begin with falsehoods? You should know if someone likes or doesn’t like you for you...not for your lies. Plus, people usually get caught in them. It is hard to keep lies up forever. One day it might “slip” and then you have lost the person’s trust. So with that said…BE YOURSELF!
7. MEN-EXPECT TO PAY…sorry! Unfortunately, it is still very customary for a man to pay. Although equal-right activists/believers (like myself) agree this isn’t right, it is still viewed that a man should make a strong attempt to pick up the check. It should be custom that the person who asks the other person out, be the one to pay but if a woman asks you out, unless she INSISTS on paying, do your best to convince her otherwise if you plan on seeing her again. For lesbian and gay relationships…flip a coin! Just kidding. Revert to the aforementioned custom of the person who asked the other one out, be the one to pay. For group/orgy type dates…got me on that one!
8. TO KISS OR NOT TO KISS? Unless you are 7-years-old and believe the opposite sex has “coo-dies”, then at the end of the first date, a soft, brief kiss on the lips is very appropriate. It assures the other person that you are attracted to them without jumping in their pants. However, if as you attempt to kiss someone, they move back or give you their cheek, then that should send up the warning-sign that they “just want to be friends.” Otherwise, it is due to a religious belief, but you would know this before you make it to the end of the evening because the person has talked all night about their faith. Note: no garlic with dinner as this may significantly alter the intended outcome.
9. DO NOT DRINK…Too much! This can be an awkward moment on a first dinner-date. Ironically, it is usually at the beginning of the date. What happens if you order a drink and your partner does not? Don’t fret! Have your one drink but be sure not to order another one even if you are not the one driving. Also, do not comment to the person, “Why aren’t you drinking?” The person may be a recovering alcoholic and this puts them on the stop to divulge very personal information right away. If they happen to mention that they are recovering, don’t look shocked or disgusted, unless you want to end the date right there, rather comment that it takes a strong-willed person to overcome the disease. Staying positive is the quickest way too…
10. SEX…though you should avoid having it at least for a few dates! Although personally, a man I picked up at a bar and had sex with wound up being my longest relationship to date, do not use my life as an example to follow. If you have sex on the first date, you can usually be assured of one of two outcomes: a. You never hear from the person again. b. The person becomes obsessed with you and will not stop contacting you. If you think the sex is worth it anyway…then have fun and BE SAFE!